If I Should Fall Behind
by IndyStarkDeanJr
Summary: Story made of (real) drabbles. Begins before the series and just after House's surgery. "I'll wait for you. And should I fall behind, wait for me" (Bruce Springsteen)
1. Chapter 1

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Inspired by one midnight craziness when everything seems possible. The title is a Bruce Springsteen's song._

 _Back before it all started._

 _I do not own the serie._

 _(For those who read before, this version has been updated. I had some difficulties with the chronology of the story. I apologize. But I think it would be more understandable for everyone)_

* * *

 _One month after House's surgery (March 2000)_

 **1.**

The muscles of his shoulders were so tensed he thought his skin might just tear apart as he focused on the exercise. His arms were weak. His t-shirt was damped.

 _So hard, it was so ha- …_

"Take your time" he heard somewhere. He wanted to scream.

"I ca ... I can't" he gasped for air; his hand reached for something to hold on to when his damaged body abandoned him.

The crutches fell on the floor.

Two firm hands grabbed his shoulders and helped him to the wheelchair.

"I ca-n't … an-ymore". A wounded tear rolled down his cheek.


	2. Chapter 2

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **2.**

"It's enough for today, Dr House" the woman said, one hand on his trembling shoulder "you're doing great"

He shook his head disbelievingly. "How am I su-pposed to walk a-again if I can't even stand?" he stammered, breathing sharply.

"Your body needs time" She was sitting next to him, but House was shamefully looking at his shaking fingers.

"My body is a wreck" he whispered, fists clenched.

"You're a fighter" She answered with a confident smile.

"I'm a bloody cripple" he shot angrily between his teeth.

"Then you're a _bloody cripple_ who'll fight for what he wants" she assured softly.


	3. Chapter 3

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **3.**

"Does it help?" the physiotherapist asked, watching him slowly massaging his thigh in silence, regaining some strength and calm

"Sometimes" he nodded "som-sometimes, it's just everywhere … I ca-n't do anyth-ing"

Eyes closed, he struggled against his own shaky voice

"Do you have someone you can talk to?"

A tiny smile played on his lips. "Wilson"

"Your best friend?" A nod. "I hate that wheelchair" House sighed.

"It's temporary". His piercing blue eyes were locked into those of the woman he has somehow learnt to respect and appreciate.

"See you next week, coach" he said and she smiled to him.


	4. Chapter 4

_This one is written from Stacy's point of view._

* * *

 **If I Should Fall Behind**

 **4.**

She has condemned herself to be an invisible witness of his slow reconstruction. He didn't verbally share any of his progresses with her, painfully rising up from the ground again. But they now stood worlds apart – she was trying too hard to rebuild something that has been harshly broken. She was the architect, the one who decided, who betrayed. There wasn't a day when he didn't let her know or a day without tears. Stacy has lost him – probably lost a part of herself too on the way. Living in this apartment was indeed the last thing they were really sharing.


	5. Chapter 5

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **5.**

They were arguing about something insignificant. He's roughly asked to be left alone, distressfully pacing in the room. It was everything happening at the same time, the pain of two adults struggling to understand one another, the denial, anger, the bargaining; the death of a relationship. The apartment was their battle field, a maelstrom of uncontrolled emotions. When she abruptly slapped him, House realized he has crossed a line he didn't even know existed. The image of him struggling to stay on his feet and looking away – ashamed - would stick in Stacy's mind for the rest of her life.


	6. Chapter 6

**If I Should Fall Behind**

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 **6.**

Days passed, ten maybe more, without seeing each other. "How's Greg?" Stacy would often ask Wilson. Pronouncing his cherish first name has never hurt her more. It sounded as if they were perfect strangers. He otherwise never asked or ever pronounced hers. His voice was cold. Hurt. House was like an animal in an invisible cage, he avoided two therapy sessions, refused the phone calls, barely left his apartment. The company of his dark piano was the only one he seemed to tolerate. One afternoon, he found Stacy in the kitchen. Two bags were packed. The air was thick, heavy.


	7. Chapter 7

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **7.**

"We can't go on like this" she said, breathing heavily. He was listening to what she was saying without giving the impression to be the first one concerned.

"I'm not gonna run after you, Stacy" he finally replied in an ironic tone. Her shoulders plunged. "I'm not even gonna walk you to the door" he said, looking straight into her eyes.

She swallowed her resentful tears and nodded to the emptiness. She was now standing before him, her hand found his skinny face in a sensitive touch – the first since she slapped him. "I love you", she whispered before leaving.


	8. Chapter 8

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **8.**

 _Two weeks later._

House would walk again, he promised himself. Or die trying. He would never accept being stuck in a _w-hell-chair_ , as he constantly said, and lost the freedom that remained in his power. The large circles of sweat on his grey t-shirt were the evidence of the hard work he was throwing himself into. His upper body strength has improved but he was still occasionally trembling, his hands braced on the railings for balance. He was hardly keeping his mouth shut, doing what he was told as he took one step with his good leg and another with the bad one.


	9. Chapter 9

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **9.**

 _One week later_

When House came out the room in a grey jogging and one of his vintage tee-shirt, his hair still damped after the hot shower, he found his friend waiting along with their boss, Cuddy. They both rose, stunned at the sight of the two crutches, metallic shadows of his long legs. "Congratulations" offered his friend immediately, hands in his pockets trousers. House's never stepped outside the physio's space in anything but a wheelchair since the first week. It was a first, a premiere. And it was quite something. Wilson took his backpack and left them a moment alone – Cuddy's wish.


	10. Chapter 10

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Stacy left a few weeks ago._

 **10.**

Cuddy's smile was timid as if she didn't feel as having the right to express too much of her relief and pride over the efforts he has made along the past months.

"You look fine – better" she said then breath.

He verbally mocked her awkwardness and they found their rhythm, conversing playfully. He looked skinnier but stronger at the same time, though a little pale. But the sparkle in his disconcerting blue eyes remained, challenging and focused on her.

"Wanna walk with me to the parking lot -" he asked.

"Okay" she offered quickly with a little almost childish smile.


	11. Chapter 11

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **11.**

They walked side by side, falling into a comfortable and slow rhythm punctuated by the sound of the crutches on the lino floor. They were quiet, silently appreciating each other presence. She was also watching him discreetly. House was struggling to keep a decent appearance but she could tell he was hurting, drawn and exhausted after today's session and all its promises. He was trying to keep a straight face – but she's always read him easily. Though, Cuddy didn't say anything, unwillingly reacting like a doctor without wanting to be his. Not when she wished to be just a friend.


	12. Chapter 12

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **12.**

They rode the lift down to the parking lot alone, exchanging light-headed, but nervous banter.

He asked about his current patient, but Cuddy noticed he wasn't really interested in the medical puzzle. House's mind was obviously elsewhere, as if medicine itself has betrayed him.

She would have asked about Stacy but the known delicacy of the subject muted her to the point she felt as if suddenly all the oxygen in the elevator had disappeared. She realized she didn't really want to know anyway.

They haven't seen each other a lot since the operation. She apologized breathlessly and looked away.


	13. Chapter 13

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **13.**

When the doors opened, Cuddy stepped out quickly but he didn't follow her, his back still against the wall. She looked at him with concern and asked, worried he might just collapse on the cold floor: "what's wrong?"

He abruptly blocked the door with one crutch and watched her frowning. "Come back inside" he insisted gently, prudent yet confident.

"House" she sighed and didn't move.

He took a few and slow steps toward her instead and out the elevator. "Why are you so uncomfortable with me since the surgery?" he asked seriously "why are you avoiding me? I'm not contagious"


	14. Chapter 14

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **14.**

 _You almost died!_ " she wanted to scream at him " _and I almost-"_

Cuddy lowered her gaze, shaken by her souvenirs and unable to find a sincere answer. "I was giving you some space, you aren't a very talkative man"

Somewhere behind her, a car's tires squeaked on the ground.

"That doesn't explain why you're uncomfortable with me right now"

"I'm not" she answered too quickly "now go home, get some sleep"

"Don't you have a meeting or something?"

"Not – not now, why?"

"Thought it'd be the appropriate excuse for you to run away" he retorted, clearly upset and left.


	15. Chapter 15

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Cuddy's thoughts after seeing House leave at the end of the previous chapter._

* * *

 **15.**

Quite often, she has watched him a few minutes during sessions of physio, hidden in a corner, outside the door of the department where she was sure she couldn't be seen by the man of her deepest inner thoughts. Holding her breath at every of his hesitant steps. Relieved to see how he respectfully reacted and talked with his therapist. But always fighting back tears at seeing the degree of pain he was enduring. Because of her choices as a doctor, his. House's courage and anger against his personal weakness were beautiful, but yet her guilt was eating her up.


	16. Chapter 16

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Introducing an other character._

* * *

 **16.**

No mother should have to see her child being drawn into a world of pain and social loneliness. She knew him a friend and she was glad he had James – and that intriguing Lisa Cuddy she has yet to meet. But the pain –Blythe looked through the glassy window, ashamed and grief-stricken over a lost that was also hers. The pain wasn't new, it was different: coarse and unmissable _this_ _time_. It was his, in his flesh and mind. Her thoughts wandered mournfully. She remembered well the day he let go of her hands and made his first steps alone. But time's passed.


	17. Chapter 17

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _(*) is a Springsteen's song title. Nobody is surprised. Thanks for reading._

* * *

 **17.**

House emerged from his bedroom, limping heavily and bracing himself against the wall with his left hand.

That wasn't a good idea – leaving a crutch behind.

He heard his mother in the kitchen and closed the bathroom door behind him. He wished he were alone, exhaustion drawing lines on his skinny face covered by a five o'clock shadow. The mirror was giving him a poor image of himself and despite the strength he has gained with the physio, House looked shaken.

Shackled and drawn* by pain and his resilience against it. It was a word that sounded way too familiar.


	18. Chapter 18

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **18.**

Eyes closed, hands clenched on both sides of the sink, House was supporting himself with his arms.

It was impossible to concentrate on anything but the aching pain to which his body has surrendered again.

His right foot was barely touching the tiles. His leg was throbbing under his weight and it took time before he sat on the edge of the bathtub. T-shirt, pyjama pants were scattered on the floor as he slowly buried himself into the hot water.

A loud groan escaped his tight lips; House sank deeper into it and completely emerged himself for a few seconds.


	19. Chapter 19

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **19.**

The bath was doing miracles on his aching body; it helped him relax and forget at least a moment all the rest, even if it was temporary.

His hand found his thigh – House exhaled.

He could touch it, the scar, brushed it with his fingers, press on it roughly with the palm of his hand. He has learned to know every details of it this way. Because he couldn't look at it directly. Touch gave way to his darkest imagination.

The wound wasn't a chimera. It was real.

And not yet accepted as a cruel part of his wounded being.


	20. Chapter 20

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **20.**

They were talking quietly but he was distant. His mind was partly absent, unable to detach completely from the throbbing pain. After lunch, Blythe finally asked about Stacy – obviously - and saw his son's body tense and retreat. Pain. Distress. Loneliness. No anger, but a profound defeat that he tried unsuccessfully to hide. Both women have always appreciated one another's company. There was a mutual respect between the two. House felt trapped and stared at his dark coffee. "She left, I asked her to, I was …" he sighed heartlessly and shook his head "I don't wanna talk about it".


	21. Chapter 21

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **21.**

"You don't play that much anymore, don't you?" she asked, staring at the black piano silently resting in a corner.

Blythe oriented the conversation toward a subject she knew he deeply loved. House bowed his head, echoing the quietness of his precious music that has long vanished. He missed playing, was craving the feelings of the keys under his sensitive fingertips.

"I've tried" he admitted "it's not the same anymore, sounds – wrong".

House stood and occupied himself with the dishes, trying to ignore how discordant most of the melodies have sounded to his musician ears.

"May I?" his mother wondered.


	22. Chapter 22

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **22.**

He followed her next moves carefully, till she sat at the piano and started to play.

House closed his eyes and swallowed the music, breathing in the sound as he would have done with fresh air after being kept locked in for too long.

When Blythe smiled at him, House was sent back into childhood and to the first lessons she gave him. His father wasn't at home then.

Music didn't make men, he'd say.

At the time, his tiny legs didn't reach the pedals.

For the present time, his leg was still too weak to do the job properly.


	23. Chapter 23

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **23.**

He was about to go to bed when his attention got caught by a small box on top of the piano. He recognized it right away.

House pulled out the harmonica and looked at the familiar instrument. It weighted nothing in the palm in his hand. He smiled in the darkness, touched by his mother's attention.

She was leaving in the morning, making sure music hadn't abandoned his son completely.

House blew a few notes but not wanting to wake her, went to bed, switched off the light after glancing one last time at the instrument on the bedside table.


	24. Chapter 24

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _A week and a half later – Early June_

 **24.**

The lights of dawn were slowly invading the room, marking the beginning of a new day and the end of a restless night.

For a long time, House sit there and stared at his leg. Wondering if he deserved it, the pain, the aches and the scars, all of them. They were testimonies of the past and present time, engraved in his flesh.

His breathing eased and after a while, so did the pain.

He had a strong taste of Vicodin in his mouth, mixed with mint toothpaste. That didn't stop him to swallow two white pills before standing up.


	25. Chapter 25

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **25.**

He did inventory of all muscles his movement engaged. His entire body was protesting every centimetre, but it felt good. He was tired but for the first time in months, felt almost happy.

Therapy has paid.

House ventured into the apartment, followed by his best friend. He tossed his back-pack aside and went into the kitchen for water. Both men sat on the couch and Wilson watched as his friend massaged his tired thigh absent-mindedly.

They then looked at the inelegant tetrapod cane leaned against the couch.

"Congratulations" Wilson said.

House replied nothing, grinned quickly and turned on the television.


	26. Chapter 26

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **26.**

It was something she thought was elegant, simple but stylish. In a way, it fitted perfectly the hidden gentleman-like manners House had so often surprised her with. In her mind, he was still that smartass genius she met in Ann Arbor. Intrigued, she still was. Amazed, too. Annoyed, most of the time, she smiled.

She hadn't seen him in a long time. They had that undefined friendship, but it had clearly been shaken in its foundation.

His therapy sessions were less regular, beside Wilson's insistence that he pursued his efforts.

Cuddy took a deep breath and knocked at the door.


	27. Chapter 27

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **27.**

Their blue eyes met.

"Hi"

"Hi back".

House's gaze fell on what she was holding. Cuddy felt her heart race into her chest and handed it to him.

"Happy birthday"

"Don't you remember the thing I told you once?"

"No" She passed by him and entered.

"Celebrating the fact that Earth has circled the Sun one more time …"

Cuddy turned, slightly amused. "I knew you'd say that".

He smirked at her and observed the cane. It was a beech wood derby one with a stainless steel collar.

"That's actually kin' of cool", he snorted.

"I knew you'd say that too"


	28. Chapter 28

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **28.**

"How are you doing?"

He raised one eyebrow and extended his arms. Then came his sarcastic answer.

"Never been better"

Cuddy's sigh was inaudible but he felt it nevertheless. He knew her enough. Then he tried honesty.

"Work in progress"

"I'm glad that you're … walking again"

"So am I, Cuddy" he replied, slowly limping toward the couch. She wasn't stupid enough to think it was an invitation for her to stay a while longer.

"I heard, ha, for Stacy, I'm sorry that she … that you broke up"

She mentally slapped herself, _stupid_ , stomach clenched with confusion and apprehension.


	29. Chapter 29

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **29.**

"Did you two speak since she left?"

 _Shut up_ , she thought suddenly. If House was annoyed or disconcerted by her questions and manners, he didn't say a thing. _Friends are supposed to talk to each other, right?_

"Important case in DC. That's all I know"

"Wilson?"

"Well, who else?"

"Yeah"

 _God, it's awkward_ , she thought and looked around. She's never been here before.

"I should probably go now"

"You know how I _am_ _doing_ , I saw you once or two during therapy. Or maybe four times"

Cuddy froze and knew she was blushing hard. And he had that little grin.


	30. Chapter 30

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **30.**

"I wished I could have done differently. Seeing you like that was … heart-breaking" she confessed after a moment, not knowing if she was talking about the surgery or the physio.

"You'll continue with the therapy, right?" she asked, concerned as he remained silent.

"I don't see the point, I'm walking again"

"You sure you have a MD degree?" she retorted quickly.

"Well, it's not like I diagnosed myself."

His voice lowered and she knew she has lost him with this. Her chest tightened.

"With time and exercises you might be able to walk without a cane."

"Don't be ridiculous"


	31. Chapter 31

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _I updated the story. I remplace the chapter. Please, see chapter 1 for more details._

* * *

 **31.**

"I prefer to adjust to the evidence than to live in disillusion"

"You can't give up hope. You've already done so much" she replied confidently.

"You want me to have a normal life so you feel less guilty?"

"You don't believe someone can genuinely care?" Her hands were cold. She didn't like the turn of the conversation.

"Even those who truly care betray"

There was an evident lassitude in his voice.

"Then as long as I have an interest in staying, I'll stand by your side"

House turned his head toward her "What's your interest in all of that, Cuddy?"


	32. Chapter 32

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **32.**

"I'm not responding to that, for you know I care for you. That you are my smartest employee and Diagnostician is totally irrelevant"

"Yet, you mentioned it"

"That doesn't change what you mean to me"

"Ya finished?" he asked, fingers clenched around the wooden cane. She didn't miss the gesture or the way he has studied the finishes sometimes before.

"I'm not letting you down, House. And I'm not sorry to be relieved I haven't lost you again"

Neither missed the implication her last word carried but it simply slipped into silence. They were determined to let the past behind.


	33. Chapter 33

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _(Two days after)_

 **33.**

When he opened his eyes, he could barely breathe. He had fallen asleep on the couch once again, incapable of moving and finding, at least, the comfort his bed offered at night.

He swallowed a strong taste of Vicodin with his saliva. Coughing roughly, he sat slowly.

It gave him nausea and he felt the need to vomit the cold diner he has barely touched.

His breath echoed against the walls and materialized the silence around him. His stomach growled just as he glanced at the untouched piece of pizza.

Instead, he went for the amber bottle at its right.


	34. Chapter 34

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **34.**

There wasn't anything else he wanted, though his medical mind knew he was already bordering on addiction.

House sudenly felt like he was going to throw up again. He didn't know if it was because of the lack of food, of Vicodin or because he was disgusting himself.

Even the smell of coffee turned his guts over, thought it was something he usually appreciated.

He needed fresh air, something, anything. But where to go, where to hide, where to find the moral energy to fight that depression he was sinking into.

Everything had the taste of sand in his mouth.


	35. Chapter 35

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **35.**

It was actually nice to be outside. The morning was sunny and peaceful. He was only wearing a rolled-up sleeves pullover and a pair of jean. The sun was timid behind a sea of milky clouds but it occasionally came caressing his face and warmed his body, lying on a bench sheltered from the patch by a row of old oaks.

Behind his closed eyelids, House perceived the irregular dance of the sunbeams between the leaves. There was a multitude of sounds around him.

He concentrated on his breathing, using his therapist's advice to release the tension he could felt in all his muscles and nerves.


	36. Chapter 36

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **36.**

Relaxing was an eternal challenge for the man he was and even more had become.

Nothing could make the pain entirely disappear and he had to deal with it every damned second.

Above him, two magpies were flying from one branch to another. He observed their game a moment, hands clasped on his belly. The sun's disappeared behind a barrier of clouds, casting a shadow on the area.

He had to move, he was hungry and he definitely needed a coffee. Prudently, House sat and took time to warm his stiff thigh. The scar was palpable under the jean.


	37. Chapter 37

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **37.**

"Long time no see, Doc"

The woman behind the bar greeted him with a smile that disappeared behind a frown when she saw the cane. House took a seat at one extremity of the deserted bar. He hung the cane at the barstool beside him.

"Been busy"

He was a customer. The woman didn't know him that much but knew when to remain silent. House appreciated her for that.

"One strong coffee"

"Thanks. And hum …" House gestured

"One piece of apple-pie?"

"Yeah"

"Still gourmand, I see" she said, please _"bon appétit"_

 _"Merci"_ he answered with his best French accent.


	38. Chapter 38

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **38.**

His mind has lost the tranquillity he's found earlier in the park. He was thinking about Stacy, wondering what she might be doing, what she might be thinking about, them, him.

There was still a deep anger in his heart and each time he thought about the decision she's made his body immediately tense. His mind was raging.

The confinement of the bar was killing his mood and appetite.

After finishing the pie and the coffee, House left a bill, nodded to the woman and took a deep breath once outside. He didn't know where to go, what to do.


	39. Chapter 39

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Timeline : two and a half week after #38 / four months after the surgery._

 _End of June._

* * *

 **39.**

He hasn't slept correctly for a couple of days but music has found him again.

His right leg tired quickly; the muscle – or what remained of it – often throbbed under his skin a few minutes.

The high doses of Vicodin didn't ease the pain. He was taking too many, acting against his own rational mind. The doctor in him knew he should turn around and find another way to face the future.

But despite all this, he was a man terrified by the eventually of a life dictated by cramps, spasms and constant suffering. Vicodin was the most effective solution.


	40. Chapter 40

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Few days later – Early July_

 **40.**

She was making as little noise as possible, occasionally checking on him from the kitchen.

He was dead to the world.

The water was boiling. Cuddy threw in some pasta and took a sip of tea. She had been surprised to find some but imagined it must have been Stacy's. There were few reminders of her in the apartment – for what she had seen of it – and it made her feel strange to be there.

More like an intruder than a friend.

"Everyone seems to just waltz in as he wants" House's voice came from the couch after a while.

* * *

 _oh and ... Happy Birthday Howse._


	41. Chapter 41

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **41.**

Cuddy turned down the gas and wandered in the living room.

House's gaze fell on her bare feet when she sat crossed-leg on the chair. He sat himself and grimaced from the change of position.

"How are you feeling?"

"Peachy. Whatcha doing here?" he retorted.

"Cooking"

He snorted

"Hey, I can cook"

"Hope you improved since the last time"

Both knew the last time was ages ago, yet extremely clear in their memories. There was that playfulness in his voice that told her he was rather pleased to see her.

"I need to pee" he said and stood. She chuckled.


	42. Chapter 42

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Thank you Lili & Liz_

 _Eight years ago, May 17th ..._

* * *

 _(A moment later)_

 **42.**

"You lost weight, I can tell"

She placed a plate on the table and handed him a fork.

"You don't have to do this" he said, taking it.

"Shut up and eat. It's pasta. And if I remember quite well you really like that"

"Spiced up with what? Arsenic, cyanide, mustard gas? Sarin gas?" House asked suspiciously.

"It would certainly look like a passionate crime"

"And how would you do that?" he asked with that little smirk of his.

Cuddy stared at him a few seconds, biting her lips. She was deeply amused and relieved to see him like that.


	43. Chapter 43

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **43.**

"Well, the poison eventually starts to show effects" she explained with gestures "so, it's time to move. You're heavy but I manage to drag you to your bed –"

"What kind of creepy role play are we doing here?" he snorted.

She goes on without responding to his smart-ass comment.

"I start undressing you"

"Kinky"

"Aaand the rest is obviously censured"

"No way! I need details!" he exclaimed "I hate you, Cuddy"

She smirked proudly and sat more comfortably.

"Now you know everything. Eat"

"What would you do with my dead body?"

"Add it to my collection"

"Ri-ght"

"Now eat"


	44. Chapter 44

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Thanks for the review !_

* * *

 **44.**

They have missed that banter rhythm, the quality of their quick replies and the way they kept challenging each other.

They shared a similar kind of humour and sarcasm, one of the things that have bound them during the small time they were allowed to spend together in Michigan.

House glanced at her, his mouth full of pasta.

They've never spoken about the morning _after_. He hasn't many regrets. That was one of his.

House felt his body violently reacting at the memories. He cleared his throat and received a quick glance from Cuddy.

"I brought you something" she said..


	45. Chapter 45

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **45.**

"You'd need a team"

"I have Chase" he replied

"That's not a team, that's exploitation"

He hid a smile and scratched his head.

"I'm not ready to come back yet, Cuddy".

She smiled warmly. "I'm not asking you to. I just want you to think about it, that'd be a good start"

He nodded quietly and stood to fill his glass with water.

She saw the cane, the limp and thought about his leg. She's seen the scar once.

She understood that somehow, he has lost faith in his medical gifts – shaken in his self-confidence when failing to diagnose himself.


	46. Chapter 46

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

(The evening after #45)

 **46.**

"You can call me whenever you want, even if you don't have a reason to" she's said.

When his mind was clear and the pain asleep under the surface of his skin, he couldn't think of anything but the moments he had with Cuddy.

She was keeping him on his feet, for more reasons than he could understand. He thought of Stacy occasionally, of course, but anger always got the upper hand.

The evening after she came, House took a look at the folders.

They were all young doctors with different specialities. But no one among the list interested him.


	47. Chapter 47

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

(The evening after #46)

 **47.**

She heard the discreet knock and went into the entry. She opened the door, after checking in the peephole.

House was standing there, in dark jeans, a white t-shirt and a black jacket.

"They're morons"

Cuddy rolled her eyes, dismayed but amused and took the folders from his hands.

"You could have called"

"I was in the neighbourhood"

"You weren't." They fell into silence. He looked down, was about to leave when she asked him if he was hungry.

"That's becoming a habit"

"You mind?" She stepped aside, inviting him in.

"No" He entered, closed the door and followed her.


	48. Chapter 48

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **48.**

"I still have lasagna"

"Made of what, salad?"

"Take a seat and stop criticizing my cooking" she gestured

"So bossy".

It seemed like a déjà vu. They both ate in silence.

"It's actually pretty good"

"Well, a compliment, should I worry?"

He stared at her for a long time, making her slightly uncomfortable. He shrugged, muttered a _maybe_ and resumed eating. She frowned but said nothing.

Her heart sank when he took a Vicodin.

"It's all I have against the pain" he explained.

"I didn't say anything"

"Thought I heard you"

"Must have been your own conscience telling you something"


	49. Chapter 49

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **49.**

There weren't many people who addressed him as frankly as Cuddy and Wilson did. She wasn't shy about what she wanted to tell him, although she acted differently when facing her behaviour.

She was contradictory. He loved that.

Cuddy blushed when she realized she'd been staring at him for a while.

He smirked. His smile disappeared.

"You tried massages?" she asked then.

His eye fell on his leg where his hand rested.

"It's never enough. It's always there".

Even if his voice wasn't the least accusatory, Cuddy felt like she had been stabbed.

"Don't apologize. I heard enough of that"."


	50. Chapter 50

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **50.**

"Could we not talk about this?"

"What do you want to talk about?" she asked.

Her thumb was circling the top of the cup. He shrugged and looked at the window.

Nothing could be seen. The night was dark.

Cuddy enjoyed sharing silence with him – something she didn't know was possible until she met him in Michigan. She thought better than to say it to him.

"You want something else?"

"I'm fine" then he added softly "thanks"

"Anytime"

"Is that an invitation?"

"Like you need one anyway"

"Old habit"

"Not really"

"New habit?" he tried

"Yeah, maybe" she chuckled, clumsily.


	51. Chapter 51

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **51.**

She glanced out the window when he stood and placed the dishes in the sink. It was oddly domestic.

When he turned to face her, she saw the phantom of pain in his eyes but he also looks satiated.

"You look slightly better"

House offered a small reverence. It made her smile.

"I better go before your lover boy show up"

"You better hurry then"

"Not like I can run anyway"

She frowned, having sense no humour in his voice. It left him shattered, confused and conflicted.

"You're doing great, House. Not many months have passed since the surgery"


	52. Chapter 52

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **52.**

"Will it change anything, Cuddy, after a year or five or even a decade?" he questioned "it won't change that I hurt, that the muscle's gone, that I can't play the piano like before or do the things I did"

To that, Cuddy has nothing to say. Affection, guilt and distress overwhelmed her heart.

He would certainly see it as pity.

"You're a great … amazing musician, you'll figure it out" She felt utterly ridiculous

"Yeah" he said, blankly "perhaps"

He clasped his cane between his long fingers.

"Good night Cuddy"

She watched him leave and went quickly after him.


	53. Chapter 53

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **53.**

"I'm your prisoner? I'm not really up for a threesome, ya know" he said, sarcastic.

She rolled her eyes and told him he knew no one was coming. She bit her lips, a gesture that told him she was hesitating.

"I care a great deal for you, House" Cuddy said eventually, searching her words "so much, and I wish you … you weren't in so much pain"

"I know"

His voice was so clear, Cuddy wondered if they were talking about the same thing.

She saw his hand and felt his touch when he cradled her jaw in his palm.


	54. Chapter 54

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **54.**

"What are we doing, Cuddy?"

They were in the hallway. He was close, too close, she thought as she could feel his breath on her face.

"Being friendly?"

He shook his head slowly.

"I only have one friend and I _absolutely_ do not want to do this every time I see him".

Her eyes fell on his chest. It raised slowly. _He lives_ , she thought dumbly, shaken.

They locked eyes. She was blushing hard and for a second, he saw the young woman he met ten years ago.

"Do what?" she asked. Her lips moved but produced no real sound.


	55. Chapter 55

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **55.**

He had no idea what he was doing and has little control over his need of her – right now.

His leg bothered him but he was so focused on her, he barely noticed more.

Time slowed, maybe even stopped when he stepped forward and took her face in his hands again.

He brushed her lips with his, touched her skin. His fingers followed the line of her jaws and pursued their journey toward her neck before losing themselves into her long brown hair. Everything about her was dangerously obsessing.

He wanted it, need it, craved her. Past and present Cuddy.


	56. Chapter 56

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **56.**

When their mouths met, it was for a kiss that had the taste of ten years of longing.

It was desperate, passionate and shy, tentative, way too familiar and with a sense of urging that stole their breath away.

They were pressed against each other, in the possessive way of reunited lovers. It felt wrong and right at the same time.

Cuddy loosened her grip on his short brown hair and came back down to Earth. She hadn't even realized she had been standing on tiptoes.

"What was that?" she whispered hoarsely, still holding on tightly to his white t-shirt.


	57. Chapter 57

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **57.**

Under her fingers, she felt his stomach's muscles flinch. There wasn't much physical distance between them.

Short-breath himself, House ran his mouth slowly along her temple. "I think" he said eventually "that's what people call a kiss".

The answer made her smile but also realized what happened. Mixed, hazardous and risky feelings, that was what she was experiencing at the time.

He was grieving, healing and she felt like she shouldn't have encouraged him.

At the same time, Cuddy couldn't reject him. She needed him. He was House. She did care – even more than she had cared back then.


	58. Chapter 58

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **58.**

He did not want to move for fear of destroying the incredible peace that had invaded him when he was kissing her.

It seemed too late already.

"Is this a mistake?" The question was his. It surprised her. It frightened her.

He hadn't moved and was still looking at her, uneasiness written all over his face. There was also a genuine concern in his bright blue eyes.

It made her want to laugh for no particular reason.

"I don't know" she replied honestly. She looked up briefly "Perhaps it would become one if it happens again"

"You think?" he whispered.


	59. Chapter 59

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **59.**

He looked down, where her hand was still holding his t-shirt. Cuddy blushed and slowly, reluctantly he thought, released the garment.

Maybe it wasn't a mistake. She was incapable to think differently at the moment.

Perhaps it was just meant to happen – _again_.

"I better go. I'm sorry"

She didn't move, nor understood why he was sorry. Only the _click_ of the door being close woke her up from her troubled thoughts.

Silence crashed upon her thin shoulders and she fought back the puissant urge she felt to sink on the wooden floor, smile, laugh, cry and run after him.


	60. Chapter 60

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Thanks Lili._

 **60.**

Confusion was wrapped around his heart and mind as he sat in his car.

A decade away from each other has convinced them they have gone their way, following the course of their respective career and the promises they've made.

Working with and for her had shaken the aches of a dormant fire.

Kissing her tonight had revived something he was afraid to face. Souvenirs of a short, formidable encounter, of an incredible and strong friendship, of that evident attraction they shared for one another.

They weren't two strangers, but two ancient lovers that have convinced themselves they'd moved on.


	61. Chapter 61

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **61.**

Cuddy welcomed the hospital daily routine gratefully and plunged herself into long meetings and unreviewed files – with perhaps less pleasure and energy.

Every now and then, in impromptu moments, she found herself thinking about him. She told herself that he was a healing soul, searching for stability.

Something she has given as much as received, though he wouldn't believe it. Something he saw in her too, though she wondered why.

They had more than a friendship. She couldn't describe what they had in the present times.

There wasn't anything rational about them – it was something from the heart and soul.


	62. Chapter 62

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **62.**

"Here we are"

"There is absolutely no need for ceremonial" House observed, rolling his eyes.

"How do you feel?"

"Annoyed. By you."

"Killjoy"

"You're the only person on Earth who feels the need to celebrate work. Everyone knows it sucks"

"You value your puzzles and patients more often than you dare acknowledge"

"Gimme a break, shall ya".

Wilson snorted, amused.

Both men walked toward the entrance of the PPTH. The door slid opened and let them in.

Thought no one paid them real attention, House had the impression that thousands of piercing eyes were fixed on him. He hated it.


	63. Chapter 63

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **63.**

She was wearing her white coat, he noticed first. Her long hairs were untied.

House watched around him nonchalantly before focusing on Cuddy again.

With her back turned and a file in hand, she was heading toward an exam room. Someone must have murmured something because she turned and looked at him. *

A bright smile illuminated her face – then disappeared behind her professional mask.

"House"

"Cuddy"

"I wanna come back to work" he said, glancing at the file in her hands.

"Still not interested in clinic duty?"

"Afraid not"

"Diagnostic Department, Fourth Floor".

He smirked. She smirked back at him.


	64. Chapter 64

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **64.**

Wilson headed toward his office.

House headed toward his.

As he sat on his leather chair, it was with an impression of extreme tiredness. The office and the large room were relatively empty. He had few personal things. Books and encyclopaedias filled the bookcases. His eyes fell on his paperboard.

Blank. Waiting for another puzzle to be solved, for symptoms to be written.

His job. Her trust and faith.

Cuddy knew how fiendishly talented he was. She understood and respected the way he worked, his need of space. Both know, she was the first figure of authority he actually respected.


	65. Chapter 65

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **65.**

They were having lunch – though only Wilson was really eating.

House's lack of appetite worried him. His mind was distant and his blue eyes clouded by pain.

Wilson's discreet scrutiny annoyed him. He couldn't bear anything – angry at the world, at himself, hurting.

People let him pass as he limped slowly, pain written in every sharp steps. Wilson wished he could do something to help him but House wasn't one to accept help easily.

Being his friend didn't offer you any guarantee.

Wilson has talked with Stacy over the phone a few times, letting her know how he was doing.


	66. Chapter 66

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _(A couple of days later #65)_

 **66.**

The melody was mathematical, cold and slow. It would leave anybody's heart in a mess.

Tonight, his was tired of beating.

Its beat against his temple and throat when his head was on the pillow. Its echoed the lonely suffering of those sleepless nights.

The pain was worse in the dead of night – coming back to life when the world around was slumbering.

Silence increased it. He filled it with music as much as he could, playing without the pedals, incapable of putting pressure on his leg.

He filled it with Vicodin.

Lights of dawn eventually sent him to bed.


	67. Chapter 67

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **67.**

Cuddy saw him searching a patient in the E.R. He was holding his cane, his back against a wall, his sharp eyes analysing details and looking for something others would miss.

She knew that look very well. She approached and watched around – wondering if she'd one day understand how his genius mind work.

House looked at her, she looked up. His eyes lingered on her lips before focusing elsewhere quickly.

There were unsaid things, words on their lips that needed to be said.

"See something interesting?" she asked

"Nope. Boring cases. Nothing a monkey with a prescriptions pad can't handle"


	68. Chapter 68

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **68.**

"You could still do some consultations"

This conversation was so _cliché_ , but she couldn't help it. Followed a quick exchange of words – a challenge of matching wits*.

Cuddy wondered if he was like this with Stacy. He probably was. He wouldn't want someone who wasn't challenging him.

It made Cuddy feel awkward and jealous. She cursed herself for those feelings.

House shifted and seemed uncomfortable as well.

"We should talk, unless you regret it"

"I can't find a reason why I should – why we should"

"We don't know how to handle it"

"We're adults, Cuddy. That was just a kiss"


	69. Chapter 69

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **69.**

The nonchalance with which he's said it left her dumbfounded and hurt. Upset.

He was doing it again, avoiding it. She found nothing else to say, something she wasn't accustomed to. The arrival of Chase allowed her to fly away, leaving the Diagnostician with a new puzzle in mind.

He was back, but it left her with feelings that should have been happiness and relief.

Detachment was his trademark, his way of protecting himself from something totally unplanned.

Her. Them.

That troubling kiss.

Once, she thought confronting him but didn't, afraid herself of what could come out of it.


	70. Chapter 70

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **70.**

"Coughing blood" was written in black on top of the board. House was standing in front of it, leaned on his cane. From time to time, a quick hidden grimace distorted his lips.

"Aspergillosis" was already crossed out, a couple of hours after Chase' search of the patient's home.

A window and the door of the balcony were opened. Air ruffled the Diagnostician's hair on his forehead. He caught his red and grey ball between his fingers and threw it in the air again.

He'd missed it. The puzzle, the challenge death gave him, the adrenalin that came with it.


	71. Chapter 71

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **71.**

On the telephone in the hall, Cuddy looked up and saw him, elbows on the metallic ramp. They haven't talked more since the last time in the ER.

He's been busy and avoiding her. Her resentment hasn't really disappeared.

Why suddenly he was there she didn't know. He had a cherry lollipop and was looking at her.

Even in the distance, she discerned the blue of his eyes. He looked _chastened_.

She sometimes trusted his eyes more than his words. He bowed his head. He was gone when she looked again.

As strangely as it was, she's _felt_ his apology.


	72. Chapter 72

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _The day after #71 – around 6 p.m._

 **72.**

He was cleaning the white board when she arrived, quietly stopping at the door before he could see her. She saw shadows darkening his unshaven cheeks, wondering when he's shaven completely. He was when she hired him a year and a couple of months ago.

She liked it on him.

"It's good to have you back here" she said then, softly.

He turned and inclined his head, nodding.

"I'll have Chase do the paperwork"

"That's your job actually"

"I'm sure he loves forging my signature"

He looked at her, slightly amused, definitely tired. She noticed the pain in his voice.


	73. Chapter 73

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **73.**

"You owe me three more hours of clinic duty for this week, by the way"

He put his tennis ball and some magazines in his backpack.

"For a total of?"

"I stopped counting after your first month" she replied, sarcastic. She saw a half-eaten Snickers on the desk "I could cook something for tonight" she said.

She froze. He faced her and swallowed, looking both embarrassed and curious.

"Don't you think it'll be a mistake?"

"Only if you plan on kissing me again" she answered lightly, smiling awkwardly. She saw him swallow.

The muscles on his cheeks flinched.

"I don't"


	74. Chapter 74

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **74.**

"Pizza tonight?" Wilson asked, entering House's office.

The Diagnostician looked up briefly.

"Can't"

" _Can't_? Since when you say no to free pizza and bourbon?"

House close his magazine and threw it on his desk.

Wilson sat and they shared a moment of silence before Wilson started to talk about one of his youngest patients. Not in the mood to be an ass, House listened but remained quiet, knowing that Wilson just needed to talk it out.

"You're sure about tonight?"

House nodded as Wilson stood after a while.

"Already called the hooker"

"Ass"

"Absolutely"

"See you tomorrow, House"


	75. Chapter 75

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **75.**

He was a few minutes late.

She told him she had a steak for him. He told her she knew how he liked it. She answered by telling him that yes, she remembered.

She's prepared mashed carrots too.

They ate silently most of the time, ignoring the awkwardness that sometimes inhabited the room.

He did not take Vicodin in front of her.

House ate with appetite; it pleased her.

Around ten, House stood to leave and she followed, taking with her the jacket he'd dropped off on the chair in the living room.

He thanked her. She smiled to him.


	76. Chapter 76

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **76.**

"You still have it" she said, smiling a little at the sight of that old black leather jacket she was holding.

"Someone said I look like James Dean with it" he smirked

" _You_ said that"

He pulled a face.

She remembered him draping it around her during one late promenade in the campus. He gave her a small smile when she told him and watched her step closer.

He saw tears beginning to veil her grey eyes when she brushed the leather with her fingertips.

He hated seeing her that vulnerable. He hated not knowing what to do for her.


	77. Chapter 77

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **77.**

"I might just have lost you, House" she breathed, struggling again.

He asked her to look at him.

"You haven't. I am right here"

Gently, he took her hand and brought it to his neck, found his pulse and placed her fingers on it. She shivered and swallowed, overwhelmed.

She felt it, heard it – against her fingers, under her skin, right to her heart.

A tear rolled down her cheek.

Her lips trembled when she inclined her head and closed her eyes.

He watched her – his chest hurting, his skin burning under the contact. He whispered her last name softly.


	78. Chapter 78

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **78.**

There was only the light coming from the kitchen, behind her.

She had words on her lips that couldn't be pronounced, but he heard them as easily as she knew he would. There has always been that deep understanding between them, unmissable yet often impenetrable for others.

Cuddy moved her fingers; her hand slowly descended his chest to lay over his heart.

He let her – trembling himself to the reminiscence of sensations he hadn't felt in a decade.

He was letting her close and closer, closer than he had let people be his entire life - even more since the surgery.


	79. Chapter 79

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **79.**

There was something about her he couldn't quite understand.

"I don't want it to be a mistake" she said, leaving her hand on his chest " _we_ shouldn't even be happening, not like this, we aren't even really friend"

She smiled weakly as he held his breath.

"Did I just shut you up?" Cuddy asked with a small, yet uneasy grin.

"You want to kiss me, don't you?"

Her smile slowly faded away.

"We'd be even if you do" His breath came out sharp as the words crossed his lips.

Blushing and smiling, she let the jacket fall and kissed him.


	80. Chapter 80

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Apologies for the delay..._

 **80.**

She whispered his name quietly when he paused and pressed his hard desire against her. They had their hands on each other as they stumbled across the dark corridor.

Their movements were slow and unsteady. They were sure.

Suddenly, House stopped, pinning her against the wall. Under her palm resting on his nape, she heard his silent cry of agony when a brusque jolt of pain exploded in his thigh. Eyes closed, House hid his face into her hair and braced himself, one hand against the wall.

The other remained on her hip. His chest rose quickly, pressed against hers.


	81. Chapter 81

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **81.**

Cuddy held him while he breathed out his pain into her hair. His body was shuddering.

"House"

She wanted to tell him to sit but his hold on her hip tightened as if he hadn't heard her.

"No" he replied hoarsely "I ne- want you"

He didn't let her answer and captured her moistened lips again, orienting them toward the bedroom. He acted almost desperately, with both anger and hunger as if afraid she would stop it. His legs often buckled under him.

For a short time, Cuddy felt overwhelmed by his strength and weight.

Her leg touched the mattress.


	82. Chapter 82

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **82.**

The obscurity has slowed their movements. When she began taking off his graphic t-shirt, he didn't stop her.

He watched her cautiously, swallowing the lump of burning emotions forming in his throat. Her hands, now on his bare chest, were full of tenderness, something he wasn't prepared to.

House closed his eyes, kissed her forehead … he wanted to give as much as he was given.

She trembled when his hands moved down then up her back to the zipper of her summer dress. When it fell at their naked feet, he gave her a kiss.

It tasted like an apology.


	83. Chapter 83

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **83.**

They haven't forgotten how they were together. The touches they liked. The caresses they sought.

Above that maelstrom of emotions, there were that hunger and unease they couldn't totally deny. There were some relief and overwhelming devotion too.

He felt her nails into the skin of his back. She had a hand into his short brown hair. Her light kisses were salty, his lips moistened by her delicate tears.

He was alive in and above her, cradled in her arms.

House hid his face in her long hair as shudders wracked them both, sweaty bodies hidden under white creased sheets.


	84. Chapter 84

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **84.**

House lay on his side, watching her back raising slowly as she slept. The kiss he left between her shoulders barely touched her skin.

Then, he left the room as quickly as his leg allowed him. He buckled his belt, picked up his cane and closed the door behind him.

Cuddy opened her eyes as soon as she heard the front door. She rolled on her back and hid her face in the other pillow.

He had thought her asleep but she's heard him struggle on his feet several times.

Warm teardrops fell on the pillow as she lay awake.


	85. Chapter 85

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

( _Apologies for the delay...)_

 **85.**

He lay awake, one hand under his head, listening to the rhythm of his heart, watching the dark ceiling, replaying and re-feeling the previous hours. It's been the first time since the infarction.

He hasn't wanted or searched it with Stacy, rejecting most of her attempts at being some kind of intimate with him. He couldn't bare it. He hasn't even thought about it with Cuddy.

She hasn't watched or touched.

It'd been like their first time. That 1984's night again.

He hasn't felt the need to hide his mutilated body. She's made him forget. He's been lost in her.


	86. Chapter 86

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

( _Apologies for the delay... I'm still here)_

* * *

 **86.**

It woke him up in the middle of the night – a cramp in his right calf, pulsating in his knee, tiring apart the back muscle of his thigh.

He rolled on his side, clenching the pillow with his free hand, his tee-covered chest damped with sweat.

He couldn't sit or stand. He couldn't stretch his leg. He focused on his irregular breathing, sucked out of his lungs by the inconceivable pain he was experiencing. It lasted an eternity.

Exhaling the pain through his opened mouth, House wondered how such suffering could so mercilessly replace the pleasure he's felt with her.


	87. Chapter 87

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **87.**

He was exhausted and short breathed after just sitting on the edge of the mattress. The pain has lowered to a bearable level but still had him wincing at every move.

He turned on the light and watched his foot and legs, wondering if there was enough strength in them to stand and walk to the bathroom.

One hand on the bedstead, House slowly left himself, searching for support around him.

A muffled cry and his right leg gave way under him. His knee hit the floor. His shoulder's muscles tensed to the point of breaking.

Slowly, he rose again.


	88. Chapter 88

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **88.**

She was in the hall when he came in, late, very much late. He'd considered not coming at all, but thought that being present – physically – would save him from questions.

He signed the register and considered his next move carefully.

Their eyes locked. She followed him to the elevator, nervously playing with her phone. House was tensed, his leg dangerously throbbing under his weight. He wanted to lie down.

"You didn't have to leave like a thief" she told him quietly

"I am a thief. How do you think I get that cane?"

"Your birthday's present, remember?"

"I do"


	89. Chapter 89

**If I Should Fall Behind**

( _I'll make a pause from now, I'll be back soon, have to figure some things out, write more. Thanks for understanding)_

* * *

 **89.**

The doors opened. He entered, pushed the 4th floor button and leaned against the metallic wall.

"I had a nice moment" Cuddy said softly, blocking the heavy doors.

"That was great sex" That wasn't a lie. That wasn't the truth either.

"You don't have to be so casual about it"

"Never had a one-night stand?"

She flinched, had a tight smile.

"I should have known better. I can't even slap you. Wouldn't want people to know the Dean slap a cripple"

They looked at each other. There wasn't any pity or anger in her eyes, just coldness and determination.


	90. Chapter 90

**If I Should Fall Behind**

( _I'm back for twenty drabbles for the moment. Apologies. Life is crazy)_

* * *

( _A few days after #89 – end of July, Stacy left three months ago)_

 **90.**

He has sensed her growing desire to see House again. When she told him she might have a client that required a stay in Princeton, Wilson had few wonders about the reasons beneath Stacy's choice.

He told her she's only try to gather broken pieces, while House had yet to find some equilibrium in his life.

"I love him" Stacy said, looking at a photo of them both "I need to see him"

"He'd hurt you, Stacy, because he barely feels anything else than pain right now"

Stacy hang up, tears in her eyes, her need more vivid than before.


	91. Chapter 91

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Merci Lili ..._

* * *

 **91.**

They were watching a déjà vu soap opera but Wilson could tell House wasn't really watching.

"Did you talk with Stacy recently?" the younger tried.

"What would I want to tell her? You think we chat every Thursday evening about the therapy sessions I don't do anymore? … She signed the god damned paper. While she was at it, she might has well have held the scalpel, the eighteen-centimetre serrated knife and the Percy retractor. You want me to forgive her like I'm the fucking Dalai Lama?"


	92. Chapter 92

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Thank everyone for supporting this story..._

* * *

 **92.**

"Everyone has his share of responsibility in this. That doesn't mean you have to torture yourself or the persons who care for you - " Wilson offered calmly.

"If she cares that much, she has nice ways to show it"

" ... and it was a twenty-two-centimetre knife"

"I'll fix the details in my _Great Book of Disappointments._ Still hesitating on the title. _Sex, drugs and scalpels_. _Betrayals_ instead of drugs? Whatcha think?" House asked sarcastically

"I'm sure both would be a best seller" Wilson rolled his eyes.

"I could quit and stop working for Cuddy de Vil"

"You'd be bored in a day"


	93. Chapter 93

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Four days later_

 **93.**

He stood and fell right back in his chair, gripping his teeth. A vertigo burred his vision.

Chase made a slight movement to help him but restrained himself. An imposing silence fell on his shoulders as he watched his boss get a grip on himself, the pain ever so slowly fading away. Chase counted to five in his head, then handed him the scan

"There is nothing on it"

"The fact that you didn't see anything doesn't mean there isn't"

For once, Chase smiled and accepted the comment without rolling his eyes … if it could distract House from pain.


	94. Chapter 94

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **94.**

Cuddy and Wilson were walking and talking after one meeting with the board when Cuddy stepped dead in her tracks. Wilson looked in the direction she was looking at and felt his guts clenched.

House was on a bench away from the hospital afternoon agitation. From where they stood, they witnessed how heavenly he was breathing, his right leg awkwardly stretched out before him.

Cuddy's first instinct was to go check on him – _help him, stop this_. Then, she remembered she was supposed to be angry at him.

Wilson gently placed a comforting hand on her forearm "Let him".


	95. Chapter 95

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **95.**

 _Let him_ …

"What have we done, James…" she whispered.

Wilson's shoulders dropped as sadness envelop him. He regarded her for a moment then said quietly:

"We made a decision that day that we wished we hadn't had to take, Lisa. It shouldn't have happened, it was unfair. You've to tell yourself that you saved his life. _We_ saved his life. He doesn't see it that way, but he will"

Cuddy looked at him through slightly watery eyes.

"You're a good man, James Wilson. A good friend. I'm glad he has you"

" _Us_. He has us, Lisa. Don't forget that."


	96. Chapter 96

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **96.**

She spent an entire evening thinking about him, poisoning her heart with feelings and images of him she should have banished long ago. She was lost and angry. The sole thought of him made her heart beat faster. She felt confused and lonely.

She hadn't had a proper diner since the one she cooked for him. She hated him but abhorred even more the compassion and affection she had for him. She wanted to never have to deal with him again.

And went to bed, looking at the pillow where his scent remained, holding it, hitting it. She felt pathetic.


	97. Chapter 97

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _So much views for so little reviews._

 _Enjoy. Thanks Lili._

* * *

 **97.**

During the course of the following days, Cuddy saw House more than she wanted to. She didn't confront him, kept her anger caged within her chest and barely acknowledged his presence despite his obvious effort to get her attention.

Until she couldn't stand it anymore: his nonchalance, his smartness, his pain.

She despised his malice and disgusting remarks. There were the same as before but he sounded like a stranger. Something was broken. Every of his words were toxic. He was trying too hard to get it right.

"You got what you wanted, why keep teasing me?" she finally asked.


	98. Chapter 98

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **98.**

He gripped his cane and balanced his weight on his good leg. Embarrassed. Clueless.

"I thought it was meant to be a one-night stand"

"It was"

She scowled

"Was it? Your acts say the opposite of your words and I don't want to guess which one is true. I'm done playing, House. We had sex. That was great. You left. End of the story" She glared at him then looked away, dismissing him.

He had nothing to answer, vaguely heard the patient she called for him and caught the folder she pressed against his chest.

"Just do your work"


	99. Chapter 99

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

( _The evening after #98)_

 **99.**

Wilson entered the bar, caught sight of his friend and took the stool next to him. Elbows on the counter, head in hands, House glanced at him through his fingers and slowly let his hands fall on the wooden counter.

"What's going with Cuddy?"

"What's going on Cuddy?" replied House coldly. His heart sank. _She didn't tell_ _him, he_ _thought, of course not …_

He looked at his scotch.

"You've been your usual jerk, she seemed _upset_. Which is unusual given what she usually put up with"

House finished his drink and did what he did best. He lied.


	100. Chapter 100

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 **(100 !)**

* * *

( _Around 10 p.m. the same evening)_

 **100.**

A long, plaintive and melancholic melody ascended from the dark piano where he was.

Three Vicodin pills and a fair amount of scotch have numbed the aches in his thigh. They've done nothing to ease those of the heart.

His fingers were cold as he continued to press solitary keys in a disorganized cacophony. House closed his eyes - scared by how easily she could take control of his rational mind and make him feel things he had no words for.

He needed to get a grip on his emotions _– and quickly._ He very much needed to see her too.


	101. Chapter 101

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **101.**

Driving through Princeton late by night, he had the road to himself, She was probably sleeping – _and what are you gonna do once there, moron._

He, though, had one certainty. He couldn't lose her faith and trust.

He stopped in front of her house and stepped out of his car – a formidable knot in his stomach. She was in an armchair, cross-legged, reading a book. He thought his heart was going to explode in his chest at the sight of her.

House remained frozen for three long minutes, wondering how she could not notice how intensely he was watching her.


	102. Chapter 102

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **102.**

 _One of the hardest things you may ever have to do in life is deliver an apology._

House clenched his fist, petrified on her doorsteps. She continued to turn the pages regularly, slightly inclined toward the light. She looked peaceful.

And then, slowly, as if even his own body was refusing to obey, his feet backed off. He climbed off the stairs and limped back to his car, bereft, angry, astounded.

He'd see her tomorrow. He'd go talk to her tomorrow. That's what he was going to do. Make things right. Apology. For her. For him. For what they were.


	103. Chapter 103

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Merry Christmas, World._

* * *

 **1** **03.**

House was absent-mindedly observing the sculpture de bronze on Cuddy's desk when she entered. She had a busy mask on her lovely face. She ignored him at first then seemed annoyed by his silence.

"Do you have a paper I have to sign or a procedure I have to refuse?"

He pulled a face. Nervous.

"Then what?"

He looked up briefly, mentally kicking himself. He frowned, chewed his lips and leapt into the void.

"I owe you an apology"

"Just one or in general?"

He had the decency to look ashamed. He wasn't going to get away with it easily.


	104. Chapter 104

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **104**

"I had a nice evening too"

He looked up briefly. She stared at him for a while, her eyes of a clear inscrutable blue. House moved on the chair.

"I appreciated the diner. And … what followed" he pulled a face, feeling utterly awkward.

Cuddy hid a smile and watch him flounder for a while with his words.

"Appreciated?" she asked.

He rolled his eyes at his own choice of words.

"So you _appreciated_ the evening _and night_ , but you couldn't help being a complete ass in the morning, that's what you're trying to say?"

"Yes. No. Cuddy, listen …"


	105. Chapter 105

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **105.**

She held her breath, surprised by his brutally detailed honesty and shaken by the description he gave of the cramp. She wanted to close her eyes and ears.

He fell into silence, visibly exhausted by the confession. They shared a look.

"I know you hurt but you can't be excused of everything because of that"

House looked at his hands and at her again, hesitant.

"I'm an asshole"

"Well" she smirked slightly "that's not totally untrue"

He smiled tightly

"We're okay now?"

"Go back to work, House" "

Yes, madame"

He get up slowly

"I've no patient"

"Clinic duty?"

"Hell, no"


	106. Chapter 106

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Happy New Year, world. I wish you all the best. May you find some happiness and peace._

* * *

 **106.**

"So, that's just it?" she asked as he came closer to the door.

He looked up, puzzled.

"You know, my father used to say that in any good apology, there're three parts. One, _I'm sorry_. Two, _it's my fault._ And three … _what can I do to make it right?"_ she saw the beginning of a smirk "I don't mean sex"

"Damn" he muttered excessively.

She raised one eyebrow. He hesitated.

"What can I do to make it right?"

"Well … you'll figure it out. You're a genius after all"

"Not my favourite area"

"Apologies?"

He was tempted to say _feelings_.


	107. Chapter 107

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _I'll stop for now again. It's like the end of a part. Not of the story. I'll be back as soon as possible. Thank you very much._

* * *

 **107.**

After a tour of the hospital, Cuddy guided the donator and his wife back into her office. The couple was talking quietly.

"Nice attention" the woman smiled, gesturing to the steaming cup of tea on the desk.

"My assistant" she smiled back, hiding her confusion.

Moments later, as she escorted them in the hall, Cuddy caught sight of House upstairs. A small smile emerged on her lips as he continued to look at her. She bowed her head slightly and returned in her office.

She sank down in her chair, savour the hot green tea and thought of nothing else.


	108. Chapter 108

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Coming back for nine drabbles. Enjoy._

* * *

 _The day after #107_

 _Around 3 p.m_

 **108.**

Her heart fluttered at the sight of him, lost in thoughts, a scan in his left hand and a pencil in the other. Doing what he did the best. Being _the_ Diagnostician.

She observed him for a moment. She saw his tiredness and the weight he has lost over the weeks. He looked all the same and yet, not quite.

Her gaze followed his long legs to his Nikes, propped up on his desk in a nonchalant way.

Stacy could have stayed here an hour, just watching him. He wasn't the kind of man who liked to be looked at.

* * *

( _Stacy left three months ago.)_


	109. Chapter 109

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Thanks Guest, for your presence and comments._

* * *

 **109.**

House tapped the pencil several times against his lips before throwing it on the table. He had slept for two short hours that night and only the adrenalin the medical challenge provided was keeping him on his feet.

The hair of his nape rose and he looked up. His feet fell on the floor.

"Stacy" he breathed out, genuinely surprised

"Hi" she waved and smiled awkwardly. She stepped into the office, chewing her lips.

His legs disappeared under the desk.

"I was – "

"In the neighbourhood?"

"Actually, yes"

"So much with the cliché"

"And I know how much you like them"


	110. Chapter 110

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **110.**

The ride to the apartment had been quiet and tensed.

House opened the door and followed Stacy inside. He threw the keys on the desk and hung his jacket.

"So, I guess I'll just go pack some of my stuffs"

He nodded slightly

"There's some in the bedroom"

"Thank you"

He watched her leave and stop at the bedroom door, observing the place that had been their for nearly five years.

Stacy sat on the edge of the bed and ran one hand on the comforter to smooth out the folds. She looked around, feeling like a stranger, an intruder.


	111. Chapter 111

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **111.**

House was observing the vapor coming out the Italian coffee maker. He turned over when he heard Stacy coming back.

His gaze fell on the bags. It seemed like déjà-vu.

"Coffee's ready"

She thanked him and sat. He didn't.

Houses leant on the counter, tapped his cane on the tiles.

"This is a nice one, very gentleman-like" she gestured amusingly.

"In character"

Silence

"I heard you quit therapy"

"Wilson told you"

"We call each other"

"He is such a chatterbox"

"Why did you?"

"I'm walking"

"Can't it get better?"

"I've got a hole in my leg. Wanna judge by yourself?"


	112. Chapter 112

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **112.**

"And if I wanted to, would you let me?" she snapped back.

He frowned, his eyes darkened. She released a breath and stood.

"I'm not here for a fight" she said more gently. House saw her struggle. "I wanted to see you, talk to you"

She took a hesitant step toward him.

"I couldn't lose you, I can't lose you, Greg"

…

"You're not gonna say anything, are you … you've never been really good at talking"

She smiled sadly.

"I wish you could understand that we were left with impossible choices"

There was a crushing weight inside her chest.


	113. Chapter 113

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **113.**

"It's not that" he whispered.

"Then, tell me"

He fell into silence again. Stacy stepped closer, invaded his space.

"You wanted to die, didn't you?"

House swallowed and looked away. She closed her eyes briefly at his silent answer. Stacy felt her eyes tear up and angrily told herself to stop. He saw it, of course.

"When Lisa told me about – the surgery that we could – I just …"

Stacy put her hands flat against his ribs and stole his breath away.

She shook her head, and swallowed her tears.

"… I couldn't let you die".

Her voice cracked.


	114. Chapter 114

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Thank you so much._

* * *

 **114.**

"Come here" he wrapped his arms around her.

She wrapped hers around his waist and cried twice as much. House remained distant in his embrace, never closed his eyes and never tried to say it was okay but he couldn't stop his guts from churning.

After a moment, Stacy lay her forehead on his chest before looking up. Her hazel eyes were shining.

His blue eyes lingered on her lips. She raised on her tiptoes and kissed his lips briefly.

Their eyes met and fell on their mouths again. Stacy pressed their lips together shortly once again, shy and tentative.


	115. Chapter 115

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **115.**

"Why?" she asked. House looked away briefly.

"I can't pretend things can go back to normal, as normal as they were, because we're able to talk and not yell at each other _right now_ "

She understood, of course.

"I'll always be the one who signed the procedure, won't I?"

He stared at her.

"Not always" His voice was unbelievably soft. He was _trying_.

Wilson was wrong, Stacy thought. She smoothed his t-shirt with her palm and bit her lips as if weighing her words.

"I love you"

" _Ditto_ "

She laughed through her tears at his choice of words.

"But"

"But".


	116. Chapter 116

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _End of Stacy' arch. I'll stop publishing for the moment too. I'll be back as soon as possible. Thank you._

* * *

 **116.**

The summery heat stroke them when they stepped outside the building. They climbed off the steps. Stacy approached the cab.

They shared a meaningful look, aware they were now going each way.

"I really want you to be okay" Stacy said with conviction "I want you to try to be happy, even if it's not with me"

She had a small smile, stepped closer and hugged him one last time.

Stacy felt his left hand on her back and close her eyes tightly.

"Take care of you, Greg"

She gave him a warm last smile and got into the cab.


	117. Chapter 117

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Back on track._

* * *

 _Saturday evening, the evening after #116. Stacy left._

 **117.**

House was at the bar, his fingers tapping against the half-empty glass. He was listening to the band and observing the musicians, the instruments, the upright piano. He had been there for an hour, in silence, enjoying the jazzy atmosphere. He knew all the songs, knew how to play them, sing them.

Tonight, the pain was unbelievably low, as if the music was the perfect cure. It's always been his safe place, but he hasn't always been able to find it.

Around 11 p.m., during a break, the guitarist hopped on the stool beside House.

"Wanna join the band later, Doc?"


	118. Chapter 118

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **118.**

It was just after five in the morning when House climbed the steps of his apartment.

The sky has draped itself in a deep purple veil where orange and pale salmon paddy paths were delicately and randomly drawn. House was exhausted but it was, for once in so many months, a good peaceful fatigue.

He's played the guitar and the piano, sing along for several songs. Nothing else had mattered, but the guitar's strings, the piano's keys and the cheerful energy and classy chivalry of the jazzy band. He'd been just a musician.

Whenhis head touched the pillow, he was already sleeping.


	119. Chapter 119

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Guest, this story isn't about pairing House with someone and then "the end and they live happily ever after". It's about House trying to get through the infarction, the pain and life and life isn't simple. It's painful,, it's beautiful and everything takes time to heal and be built._

 _Thanks Lili._

 _Thanks all, for the comments._

* * *

 _(Tuesday, three days later)_

 **119.**

Cuddy looked up and raised one eyebrow at House who had walked in. He was wearing a black shirt with the two first buttons opened.

"I was thinking …"

"Ouch"

He pulled a face

"I could bring something unhealthy for tonight. Maybe pizza."

Cuddy felt a pang in her heart, positively surprised, profoundly confused. He added mischievously: "Of course, I'll help you get rid of the extra calories"

Cuddy looked at him for an instant: "Okay. I can get rid of the extra calories by myself"

He smirked. "Evil"

She smirked. "Pervert"

House dramatically plastered his hand on his heart.


	120. Chapter 120

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **120.**

House had brought the two promised pizzas with him – one veggie, of course. House had stood on her doorstep for quite a moment, observing her flowy summer dress …. and bare foot. She'd raised an eyebrow with both assurance and delight.

They had talked quietly, she'd laughed and teased him. He'd given as much as he'd received, until around nine when his phone has rung.

Cuddy had seen the change in him after a couple of seconds and kept a low profile during the short conversation between House and his mother.

Afterwards, he'd been sombre and lost in troubling thoughts.


	121. Chapter 121

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **121.**

House was facing his mother. His father was at his left, holding himself upright on his chair in this military manner House abhorred so much. He was a tall man himself but his father's haughtiness was crushing him on his seat.

They'd shaken hands frostily. Her mother has hugged him. No one had been at ease. No one was now. In fact, it seemed that the tone of the conversation was slowly deteriorating.

Each of his father's word was sharp, every of his mother's attempt to smooth the discussion were less and less efficient. House felt his anger building up.


	122. Chapter 122

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **122.**

Enough. It _was_ _enough_. They were half way through the main course when House knew he had to leave.

He put down his cutlery on either side of his plate and through clenched teeth said slowly: "You'd be prouder if I'd lost a leg in Afghanistan" He looked at his father with cold blue eyes "prouder if I'd died"

"Gregory" Her mother's plea was wind for his ears

"You've never had the makings of a soldier" the man replied.

House knew the argument was pointless. He stood, grabbed his cane.

"Goodbye, Mum" He kissed her hair quickly and promptly left.


	123. Chapter 123

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **123.**

He ignored the pain that was pounding violently inside his scar and stepped out in the street. House got into his car and drove, his vision and mind blurred by near detestation.

He was out of Princeton, driving in no particular direction through a river of darkness, when a light rain started to fall. He slowed down, pulled over, turned off the engine.

For a long time, maybe an hour, House watched the raindrops go down the windshield, eventually washing away part of his anger. He fought back against the man, but still felt like the child he once was.


	124. Chapter 124

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _Late at night, around midnight_

 **124.**

He nearly topped in on top of her when she opened the door.

"Woaw" Cuddy's hands went to his chest and steadied him "Are you drunk?!"

"I wish" He was so hurt. He just wanted it to stop.

She closed the door and helped him sit.

"What happened?" she asked looking at the scary ghosts in his eyes.

"You've got bourbon?"

"It's midnight, I'm not getting you drunk"

"You could get into my pants more easily" He lay his head on the chair.

"You're easy even sober"

"You can tell" There was no playfulness in his voice. It just hurt.


	125. Chapter 125

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **125.**

"Do you think I deserve it, all this?"

"The pain?" Cuddy asked quietly

"That life" he whispered "I hate it"

She didn't know what to respond to that and lowered her gaze, invaded by a sentiment of guilt. She has been part of it, though she didn't know it all

"No one deserve to hurt like this, like you do" she said then "if it hadn't been for the decisions we've taken for you"

"Not tonight" he pleaded, looking down

"What happened?" Cuddy asked cautiously.

She saw shame, anger and hurt flashed in his bright blue eyes

"Another Great Disappointment"


	126. Chapter 126

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **126.**

Cuddy came back with a glass of water. She found him asleep, oblivious of the place and time. He looked distraught and on the defensive even then.

Cuddy took his cane. Her fingers brushed his hands – they were cold. She placed a plaid on his legs and hands and just sat there watching him. She took comfort in the fact that he could find sleep.

She quickly erased that thought and told herself he was just overly tired and just happened to be at her home.

At midnight. When he had obvious reasons to go get drunk in a bar.


	127. Chapter 127

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **127.**

When House woke up, the first thing he saw was a sleeping Cuddy on the couch. Groggy and a little sore, House checked his watch. Nearly one in the morning. He's slept something like – he had no idea when he'd fallen asleep – and felt tired all the same.

Cuddy woke up at that instant and sat up slowly. He rubbed his aching thigh and noticed the plaid. It did strange things to both his heart and stomach.

"You fell asleep" she said

"So did you apparently" he smiled a little and gestured to the slight mark on her right cheek.


	128. Chapter 128

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **128.**

Cuddy grinned, he couldn't help but smile to her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

House shook his head slightly.

"There is nothing much to say about it"

He took his cane, rolling it between his fingers. Cuddy intertwined her hands and felt crushed. A sudden thought she had kept encaged in his presence broke through the barrier of her lips.

"Does Stacy know about this?"

"About what?" he asked, not liking where this was leading "about the sex? Why, don't like being the other woman?"

Cuddy turned pale. Her lips became a thin line. She cursed and stood.


	129. Chapter 129

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **129.**

When she turned, he was standing before her.

"What do you want from me, House?" she hissed "you want … what? to fuck me because you're lonely, because you need a good shot of endorphin?" Her voice was cold, chirurgical. Stating facts. Cuddy chuckled heartlessly "Use your own hand, call a hooker. I'm done"

The sharp, practical tone of her voice was cutting through his soul with the precision of a scalpel. He felt small.

"You know your way out"

He was staring at her with magnificent searching blue eyes.

"I didn't mean …"

"You never _meant_ anything, don't you?"


	130. Chapter 130

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **130.**

They were standing right in front of each other, almost touching, but pushing each other away like magnets or two championships prized fighters. She was weighing him up, even though she was way smaller than him.

"I've never meant to hurt you" he said huskily.

She jerked back dismissively with just the slightest mark of hesitation.

"You can't expect me to be available every time you don't feel like going through the night alone."

"The only thing I know is that being here … now feels right. Nothing else does"

His honesty took them both by surprise, him the most.


	131. Chapter 131

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **131.**

Cuddy started to turn.

Before she could, she felt his hand grabbing her hips and him planting his mouth on hers. He wove his fingers through her hair and felt her hands running up inside his suit jacket, her nails digging into his flesh through the fabric of his t-shirt, soon tearing him away from her.

She searched his gaze.

"I'm still upset"

"I know"

"What the hell are we doing, House?"

"I don't know" he answered huskily.

She felt his arms, tense and tight around her.

"I'm not sure I can stop this. I'm not sure I want to"


	132. Chapter 132

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **132.**

His body wrapped tightly in white sheets; he was sleeping beside her.

As she watched his tormented face, the sole thought that a life of pain was waiting for him brought salty tears to her eyes. She wondered what they were doing, where this was leading them, if there was a possibility for more. She tried the sound of his first name on her tongue, it echoed in the bedroom and made her shiver. Cuddy forced herself to stop thinking about the future and relished on the present.

For the first time in years, she fell asleep close to him.


	133. Chapter 133

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **133.**

Jaws painfully clenched, he hid his face in the pillow just as the chronic morning cramp irradiated throughout his entire body.

 _Fuck,_ he almost cried out as pain exploded furiously in his brain, scratching out every though and proof of consciousness. How he could have survived the last never-ending months he didn't know; but he'd give anything for this harassing suffering to stop.

Minutes passed and the spasm hasn't even started to fade away when he _felt_ her and somehow realised that it wasn't his apartment. That he shouldn't even be there at all in the timid cracks of dawn


	134. Chapter 134

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **134.**

House remained frozen, knowing she was as naked as he under the sheets. He rolled on his back and tried to sit, being left breathless once again.

Cuddy woke up, felt happy to see he was still there; until she saw how much tension was enslaved in his silhouette. Nothing was left of the caresses she has fervently offered, but an unimaginable soreness.

Wrapping the sheets around her, Cuddy knelt behind him and brushed his hair. He turned his head slightly, giving in a little. She could feel the pain.

She said nothing when he grabbed his boxer and jean.


	135. Chapter 135

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Thank you very much for all the reviews._

* * *

 **135.**

"I'll go make coffee" she said, brushing his shoulder tenderly "take your time"

...

"How _early_ is it?" he asked

"Six-thirty"

He growled.

"Here, take this"

She sat across him at the table. He seemed morose.

"What's on your mind?"

"You shouldn't be there, get sucked into my misery" he ventured after a while

"That's my home, so if I follow your reasoning, _you_ shouldn't be here" she replied "but whatever happens now, I think that us being stuck together isn't something opened for debate"

He looked at her, away, down

"I don't think I'm ready for a relationship"


	136. Chapter 136

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **136.**

"I know" she replied quietly "I understand"

He was looking at her with amazement and shame, tranquilized somehow by the tender and soul-healing smile she was wearing.

"How can you feel okay with that?"

She shrugged, breathing in with both acceptance and longing.

"As much as I'd love it, I feel like this isn't our time"

…

"Yet" she added.

"Yet" he echoed.

She wanted to tell him she was going to wait for him, but denied herself this right.

…

"I need to shower … go to work" Cuddy said instead, regretfully.

"Can I-"

"No, you can't"

He laughed.


	137. Chapter 137

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **137.**

They stood in the doorway where nothing moved, just a strange cool breeze.

Stopping within his reach, Cuddy lifted up on her toes and slid her cool palm against his cheek. After the barest moment of hesitation, she tilted her head slightly and pressed her lips to the corner of his mouth.

The smallest touch – not even a kiss – just a promise of one.

She searched his eyes once more "You know, right?"

And he did. He knew what she couldn't say. What he couldn't answer

"And you do too".

That if one should fall behind, the other would wait.


	138. Chapter 138

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Dear dear readers, this is not the end. I plan on going on for (more or less, already written) thirty drabbles._

* * *

 **Mid-October 2000  
A** **month and a half later.**

 **138.**

Cuddy switched on the light, woken up by the vibrations of her cell phone. She grabbed it, thinking it was the hospital calling for an emergency. Her heart went dead in her chest when she saw the name of the dialler.

House. In the middle of the night.

The tempestuous weather and the rain pouring down the roof seemed to intensify.

"House?"

He did not answer, as if he hasn't realized she has finally answered. She heard him take deep, rough breaths, almost gasping for air. She was on her feet in a second.

"Cuddy"

His voice was weak, distant.


	139. Chapter 139

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Thanks, Guest._

* * *

 **139.**

"House" she pleaded "say something"

Standing, pacing, looking out the window into the darkness, she was a wreck. Her heart was beating as hard as the rain on a naked skin.

"Can you … could you come?"

She thought she heard tears in his voice. She stopped.

"I'll be there in five"

"Please"

It was as if he hasn't even heard her quick reply. Cuddy threw her phone on the bed and took the first clothes she found: a faded jean and a grey t-shirt. She grabbed her jacket in the entry, put on her running shoes and rushed outside.


	140. Chapter 140

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **140.**

She entered the apartment like a shot, sick with fear. She found the living room dark and empty and hurried to the bedroom.

He was there. She heard his laboured breathing. Every of his body's nerves was shaking.

She sat on the bed and lay a hand on his shoulder, letting him know she was there – if he even heard her in the tremors of this undying agony.

The thunder exploded above the neighbourhood.

Cuddy took off her jacket and climbed further on the bed, taking House into her arms.

"Cuddy"

"Here, I'm here House"

"I can't- anymore, stop this-"


	141. Chapter 141

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **141.**

The sheets were damped with sweat. She said his name and brushed his forehead. He was running a slight fever.

"I'm here" she kept repeating softly.

There wasn't any scream or complaint. Tears were rolling down his shadowed cheeks in a ravaging silence.

"Breathe"

He took her hand and laced their fingers before bringing it against his chest. She held him tighter.

"Would a massage help?" she asked after a moment.

"Don't, no … don't touch it."

"House"

"No"

"Tell me how I can help you"

He shook his head and exhaled. Silence. Followed by a quiet, rough plea.

"Morphine"


	142. Chapter 142

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **142.**

"House, I can't do that. You've already taken Vicodin, too much"

He trembled and curled up, even more. His hand enveloped his thigh desperately. She saw the white pills on the bedside table and placed the humid washcloths on his forehead.

"It's okay, breathe"

"Morphine"

It was a harrowing litany.

"House, no"

He was breathing heavily. She couldn't risk another – fatal – addiction. The pain would eventually break any barrier the drugs could create against it.

"What about a hot bath?"

Cuddy ran her fingers through his damped hair

"Okay" he whispered, his head on her thigh.

"Okay. Let's do that"


	143. Chapter 143

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **143.**

She's been there for nearly thirty minutes. It was just raining now.

"Can you sit?" *

He nodded and did so, slowly. Cuddy placed her hands on his knees and smiled warmly to him, reassuring and encouraging. There were dark rings under his blue eyes when he looked at her.

"Ready?"

House nodded again. She helped him as much as her little frame allowed her and they headed to the bathroom.

The pain way he was breathing was scary _._ The journey has robbed him of all energy.

She touched his knee again.

"Shirt"

"I get it from here" he whispered hoarsely.


	144. Chapter 144

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **144.**

He was sweating. Another spasm in his leg, similar to a cramp.

She thought he might just collapse on top of her.

"If it's because you don't want me to see the scar, I won't look" Cuddy said softly, knelt before him.

She didn't tell him she'd seen it. That she'd felt it once or twice against her skin when they'd slept together.

"Look at me" she called "House. Trust me"

He closed his eyes and tilted his head, breathing soundly.

"Cuddy, please – I get it"

He looked at her, earnestly, tiredly. She nodded.

"I'll bring you some clean clothes"


	145. Chapter 145

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **145.**

She changed the sheets and opened several drawers, finding a t-shirt and a boxer. She opened the window and let the fresh air invaded the room.

...

"Hey! I could have been naked in there" House shout when she opened the door and put the clothes on a stool.

She rolled her eyes at his silliness. He was joking. He was better. She told him. He turned more serious and nodded calmly, almost shyly again.

"Thank you"

"You're welcome"

Cuddy smiled to him, reassured. "Call me if you need anything"

It was only in the kitchen she let the tears fall.


	146. Chapter 146

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **146.**

It was strange how easy it was to remember pain. Hers were more of the heart. Losing her father at the age of twenty had been the hardest.

House's history, she's always suspected, was one of a darker kind. Being a witness of his miserable suffering had shaken her to the core.

She brushed away her tears and ran some water across her face. She'd come so close to losing him. She had so much in her heart for him.

There would never be someone else in her life with such an infuriating and irreplaceable presence. He was her rock.


	147. Chapter 147

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **147.**

She had the impression that for the entire last decade, he's been what she first saw in the morning and yet as if every morning has its own singularity.

It reminded her of another morning. He'd been there, in the parking lot, shave, wearing _that_ jacket and a worn Dire Strait t-shirt.

She'dtaken a moment to look at him. Those blue eyes.

She'd been late to work that morning, having spent two exquisite hours in his company, talking, arguing, laughing with him. As if time hadn't passed. He'd asked for a job. She's offered him one after some times.


	148. Chapter 148

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **148.**

His blue eyes. Red-rimmed and glassy with tears.

That was one of her memories of the never-ending days that have followed the infarction. She thought it couldn't be. Not him.

She remembered the mask giving him oxygen and how he has taken her hand in his once.

She remembered locking her office and sinking on the bathroom's floor after his heart attack.

She remembered the tears and the fear, the pain and the hopelessness.

She'd barely got home, unable to leave him, not allowed to be with him. She hadn't wanted to be at Stacy's place. Yet, she had somehow.


	149. Chapter 149

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **149.**

She turned when he limped in.

His face was pale. Droplets of water had fallen on his t-shirt. He approached and leaned on the counter, giving her the impression he couldn't walk or stand without staggering.

"You're feeling better?"

"Yeah"

"Drink this"

He eyed the glass of water and obliged before taking a seat.

She stood closer and touched his knee when he seemed to be overwhelmed again. His shoulders slumped. He bowed his head.

"You should try to sleep. You look like crap" she said quietly

"Geez, thanks"

She thought he was gonna say more, but he fell silent.


	150. Chapter 150

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **150.**

He brushed the hand on his knee and intertwined their fingers. The intimacy stole her breath away. He made her stand between his opened knees.

"What I had with Stacy is not what you and I had, have, Cuddy"

She wanted to ask what _it_ was.

"What about Stacy?"

"I don't know what I feel for her" he answered after a short time.

...

"What happened isn't fair to either of you. She didn't deserve the way you lashed out on her"

"How can I just accept that … that's just it. The pain is always there – it never goes away"


	151. Chapter 151

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **151.**

He stopped when he saw her eyes filled with tears. He tugged at her hand and urged her to look at him

"Cuddy, stop it"

"It was my idea. If only I-"

"Stop it" he pressed her. House watched one last tear fall from her eyelids.

Cuddy ran a hand on her face and sniffled

"Cute"

"Shut up" she half-chuckled, half-smiled to him.

...

"You don't have to be in constant pain"

"Vicodin helps"

"But it's only a short-term solution. Eight months are already …"

"It's the only meds that help"

His anger came back in the blink of an eye.


	152. Chapter 152

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **152.**

Outside, the rain hasn't stopped.

"Why did you stop therapy?"

"I wasn't making any progresses"

"You were walking three months after the surgery"

He grimaced, as if sucked into a whirling vortex of memories - of all the pain, all the fallings and risings.

"I want you to promise me something" …

"I want you to promise you'd try again. Twice a week, at least"

He looked deep into her eyes for an eternity, breathing in her strength, her confidence in her, in him.

"I was thinking about keeping the cane anyway, women like it" he answered, making her laugh.


	153. Chapter 153

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **153.**

Cuddy didn't think much and cradled his cheek in the palm of her hand. Her fondness made him close his eyes a second before he looked deep into hers again.

With her thumb, she carefully drew his cheek bone.

"Do they like that too?" she whispered, her fingers brushing his messy beard. He hadn't shaved in days.

"I know you did, a long time ago" he replied on an equal tone

"Haven't change my mind … I like both"

He yawned as an answer and she had to smile, her heart full of tenderness.

... "I'm so tired"

"Come on, then"


	154. Chapter 154

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _A couple of drabbles left and we'll reach the end._

* * *

 **154.**

Instead of standing, House wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. He lay his forehead against her belly, she cradled his head in her hands and tenderly brushed his hairs, massaged his skull.

They remained like this for a while, listening to the rain falling outside.

When his head get heavier, Cuddy told him to go back to bed.

"Stay tonight" he whispered hoarsely against her. He straightened, slowly, tiredly, painfully.

" _I can't face myself alone again_ " *

His blue eyes were full of anxiety and sadness.

She bowed and kissed his forehead

"I'll lock the door"

* * *

 _*Thunder Road,_ B. Springsteen


	155. Chapter 155

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _Thank you. And to you, my two favourite Guests._

* * *

 **155.**

 **Three months later.  
** **End of January 2001.**

He was _celebrating_ the first anniversary of the infarction, on his couch, with a glass of Scotch, pizza, Wilson and his friend's favourite movie _Vertigo_.

He felt remarkably calm, exhausted after the therapy session. It helped. That what she'd said and he'd trusted her. Had to, struggled too, given the darkness in which he had fallen in the course of December.

His friends have been there. She'd been there.

He's kept his promise.

There were new, nearly constant, pains: in his back, his hand and fingers, his right shoulder because of the cane he didn't use in the correct hand.


	156. Chapter 156

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **156.**

 **A month later**.

 **February 2001**

She saw him standing at the top of the stairs and she continued to speak to the students in front of her.

He had been doing his things lately, testing ideas and diagnosis and finally coming up with exactly what was required to treat his patient.

He joined her on the dais at the end and engaged in their usual banter.

"You know, you should give it a try" she gestured to the auditorium.

"But it's like explaining gravity to a chicken*" he pouted exaggeratedly.

"They're here to learn and I have proof you're a great teacher."

"Still a _nope_ "

* * *

* _Veep, episode 03, season 02 (This serie is a must see)_


	157. Chapter 157

**If I Should Fall Behind**

... _and a happy birthday, Hugh. Love_

* * *

 **157.**

She showed up a couple of times after work to have a drink or two with him and Wilson, but she never stayed long or said much.

"Expecting you at 11 p.m. tomorrow morning" she said one evening.

He eyed her from the couch.

"In exchange for two weeks off clinic duty"

"One"

"Two"

"One"

"Tw-"

"And be on time"

"Maybe you should stay and be sure I'm on time" he smirked.

Wilson chuckled.

"Fangirl" House hissed at him. "

What?" he feigned.

Cuddy finished her drink and stood.

"Auditorium 1, 11 a.m. You'll like it … Good night, boys"

She waved.


	158. Chapter 158

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **158.**

 **The next day.**

 **11.15 a.m.**

All eyes fell on him when he barged in the auditorium.

"Female, 58 with …" and he went on and on, as students took their sit and open their notebook.

After an hour of mocking and bouncing ideas, House noticed Cuddy quietly slipping in. He rolled his eyes at the teasing smile on her lips.

...

"You're enjoying yourself. You like to put on a show"

He smirked despite himself.

"Exhausting, but it takes some getting used to" she continued "same day, same hour, next week?"

"Stop trying to socialize me"

She chuckled. He scowled. And they knew he just might.


	159. Chapter 159

**If I Should Fall Behind**

 _This is the second to last drabble..._

* * *

 **159.**

Through the course of the following years, House became more withdrawn and lost in a Vicodin cloud, fighting pain, accepting addiction.

He hired two young doctors and became the well-know diagnostician Cuddy knew he could be. She got him to do some lectures for the students but failed, most of the time, to get him to do his clinic duty.

She heard of rumours and bets she knew he was the origin of. It amused her as much as it infuriated her, but Cuddy had known for a long time she was as good as him at this juvenile game.


	160. Epilogue

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 **Epilogue**

 **October, 2004**

"29 years old female, first seizure one month ago, lost the ability to speak. Babbled like a baby. Present the deterioration of mental status"

Four legs, a cane and a lab coat. Two men walking through a crowed hallway

…

"See that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane"

"So put on a white coat like the rest of us"

"I don't want them to think I'm a doctor"

A pause

"You see where the administration might have a problem with that attitude"

"People don't want a sick doctor"

"Fair enough. I don't like healthy patients."*

…

* * *

* _Dialogues from the Pilot._

 _The End. Or ... the beginning._


	161. Thanks

**If I Should Fall Behind**

* * *

 _I'm proud of this supposed-to-be-a-ten-drabble-long story. It was a soul-healing, heart-stopping, two-year long journey and I'm glad I could walk along this path with you – kind-hearted peoples._

 _I explored House's world diligently and discovered many things about love, friendship and what make human soul so fascinating._

 _I'm not ready to abandon them yet and will be back as soon as possible. Writing drabbles was deliriously challenging and very much worth it. I thought of writing a drabble per episode but I'm not ready for that challenge yet._

 _A_ _ll the best._

 _And as my Mr. Stark said: "Love you 3 000"_


End file.
